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smms05
16 April 2011 @ 08:56 pm
Some say freedom is free Well I tend to disagree Some say freedom is won Through the barrel of a gun So I keep fightin on...


Wow... So I haven't said anything on here in almost a year! Crazy I tell you. Not much is new really. Life goes on, and so do I luckily. It's been a crazy year I will say that much for it. I lost a dear friend. I've had my heart bruised a few times. I learned that a good date will not end with you covered in bruises. I learned that the scariest thing is falling for someone and wanting to open up to them no matter how much you've been hurt in the past.

My foot is as bad as ever. Maybe even worse. I go for a medical evaluation on the 3rd of May. I have no idea what will happen, but things don't look good for me staying in. I've been hurt for so long, and as much as I love the Army I don't know how much more fight I have left. I mean I've fought this since 2007. Physical therapy, medications, injections, surgery.... none of it has helped. I went not 1 but 5 doctors. All of them told me the same thing, "There's nothing left to do that hasn't been done." This is my life. A foot that hurts and causes me pain every day of my life.

I'm single and ok with that. There's someone special in my life, but we aren't dating. We're just friends. I'm ok with that though. I enjoy just having him in my life, and knowing that whenever I need him, he has my back. He's been amazing. He's helped me around my house. He's cooked for me. He's been there to hold me when I need a hug. There's nothing better in this world than his friendship. I thank God that He's blessed me with such a loving person in my life, and such a great friend.
 
 
smms05
24 July 2010 @ 05:53 pm
there's wrong with moving on when you know he's good and gone

So for those of you who don't know... I broke up with Josh. He and I just weren't doing well at all. He's a good guy, and part of me will always love him. Things just weren't working out no matter what I said or did. He just never seemed to want to meet me half way either so I cut my losses and moved on with my life.

I've been focusing on me lately. Spending time with friends. Going out and having some fun and laughs. Living my life again... Everything that was going on with Josh had me stressed out and it was just sucking the life out of me. I was just so unhappy and didn't know how to deal with it.

I met someone who's helping remind me that life is for living though. No. I'm not dating this person, but he is quickly becoming a wonderful friend to me. His name is Paul. He's 20 years older than I am, and an incredible artist. What makes his art even more amazing is the fact he's a quad so he paints with his mouth. It's just amazing... It's just so incredible to know him. I mean most people in his place would have given up, but he's working as an artist and teaching (!!!) art classes. It's just amazing. He's such an inspiration. He makes me feel like I'm in the movie Pleasantville, and I'm coming out of the black and white (my bad situation with Josh) and going into the color (living my life again). It's kinda cool to have someone who makes you think about the way you're viewing life. Seems I'm doing the same for him. He asked me to pose for him (I get to wear whatever I want so don't go there), and apparently he was just expecting me to say no. But I said yes. So we've been spending a lot time talking so we can be comfortable with each other when I do pose. I'm not sure what he was expecting, but apparently it wasn't me! LOL I keep surprising him apparently. It seems that a combination of my age, my being in the military, and other such factors made him think that we wouldn't be able to get along outside of me posing for him, but we're actually becoming great friends. He's one of those people that as soon as you stop talking to him you miss him, and while you talk to him the conversation never slows down or becomes dull. We've talked about everything under the sun too... books, music, my being in the Army, what it was like for him when he was married... I know I'm gushing like a little girl with a crush, but how can you not? He's just so full of life and such an inspiration for me. :)

Anyway... I'm going to go for now, but wanted to let you know I'm alive and well... :)
 
 
smms05
26 March 2010 @ 08:50 am
I care about what I do!

So crazy few days. I found out I have PMDD. It was causing out of control mood swings. I was either angry or upset or depressed. I told my dr I felt like a sane person living in a crazy person's head. I would feel the mood swing starting, and know it made no sense but I couldn't stop it from happening. My dr put me on a new med and told me if it doesn't work they'll put me on something that's similiar to Prozac.

In other news it's 12 days until Josh comes home on leave. We decided that for our trip we will go to Louisiana to see his family. Mostly to New Orleans to see his sister and brother. (I think...) I know he wants to see his dad, which is kinda crazy he hasn't seen or spoken to his dad and stepmom in years. Seriously, he told me that he hasn't talked to his stepmom in a year and a half or so. I don't know why he's taking me to meet them, but he's convinced that they will love me. He's also sure his sister and brother in law will too. I have no idea if he's told them yet that they'll be meeting me. I do know he told his grandma. She doesn't seem to care either way if she meets me or not. Nice. Oh well as long as no one litterally tries to kill me it's an improvement from Norman and the Bates family (aka my ex husband and his family).

In other news I think I've managed to fall even more in love with Josh lately. With the PMDD I can be a bit of a challenge to deal with. (Of course that's my nice way of calling myself a total bitch.) But Josh, well he managed to deal with it, and did amazing. I told him I was sorry for all of it, and he told me he would put up with all my bad days to be able to share the good days with me. I don't know if the man is going for a sainthood or what. He puts up with me, my crazy moods, and my family. Yet he worries I won't like his family. He's so nervous about it, and it's kind of cute. I mean normally it's me that's worried or nervous. I told him compared to my family and my ex husband's family his is nothing I can't handle I'm sure. I found out I'm the first girl he's taken home since he enlisted in the Marines. So yeah, I'm the first girl he's taken home to meet the family. LOL

Oh Josh may or may not be spending his last year in the Army deployed. I have no idea what's going on. As is Army tradition, every time I talk to him the place and dates and if he's going or not changes. Ah, military s.o rule #1 write in pencil and carry the biggest eraser you can find!
 
 
smms05
12 March 2010 @ 09:02 am
this time we can do it right


So in case anyone is wondering about how I found out Josh told his family he plans on asking me to marry him, here's the story. I've been shopping trying to find the perfect outfit to wear to the airport to pick him up. He's been saying forever that he wants to see me in a dress, and this spring they've made so really cute sundresses so I broke down and bought 2 (!!!). That's a lot for a girl who NEVER wears dresses. The last dress I wore was my bridesmaid dress 2 years ago. Of course I will be wearing yet another bridesmaid dress in May this year but that's not the point here. LOL The point is *I* bought two dresses just for Josh. Because I wanted to do something nice for him, and plus these dresses were way cute. So anyway, while I was at Target looking at dresses, Josh called. We were talking about some stuff going on with his cousin. Well, he ended up reading me her message to him and got to this part that said, "And I hear congratulations may soon be in order for you and Sarah. I'm so happy for you, and tell her I can't wait to meet her." I was like, "Is the girl sniffing glue?!" He laughed, and I go, "No seriously congratulations for what? I mean I'm proud we managed to work through everything without killing each other, but I'm not sure it calls for a congratulations. So what is she talking about?" He said, "Well, I might have called my grandma and told her I plan on getting engaged soon. Of course once I told her she had to tell everyone and their mama."

In other news Josh is coming home in less than a month. He was supposed to come home 10APR, my drill weekend, but that got canceled when his PCS orders started changing. Then he told me it would be pushed back to May. Now he's signing on leave 07APR. For once the Army didn't totally screw things up. I requested 9 days off from work (2 of them being drill dates, and the rest being unpaid time off), because he wanted to go on a trip somewhere. We were talking about going to TN and getting a cabin there and just hiding out for a few days, but then we were talking about it and he was like, "We will go anywhere you want. TN, DC, VA, SC, you pick and that's where we'll go." While I've never been to TN, I have been to the others and love each of them. That made picking a little harder. I knew I didn't want to go to DC because I want to be able to relax, and that's not going to happen there. Although, I do want us to go there sometime since Josh has never been. VA, I've been to three times, and while I love it there I just didn't feel like it this trip. TN, I've never been to and the idea of going somewhere and just locking the world out to spend time with Josh sounded amazing. But SC was slightly ahead of TN. I kept picturing going to Charleston, and taking walks at sunset on the beach, and just spending our time taking lazy walks doing all the tourist things and enjoying the south. Josh told me to pick a place to go and find a place to stay and plan it out. *sigh* I stressed, because that didn't give me a budget or anything to work with. Finally, he told me he's going to pick and it's going to be a surprise. He said it might be TN, it might be SC, or we could end up in LA. I asked him if we go there, do I have to meet his family. I was told that that if we go to Louisiana I don't have to meet his family unless I want to. Of course now I wonder if that's where we're going to end up, because if he's told his family he wants to marry me they might want to meet me. Of course nothing says romantic like a proposal on a SC beach. LOL And all that is assuming he even asks.

What a loser I am... I just realized I've been smiling like the cheshire cat the whole time I've been typing this... LOL Well, maybe I'm not a loser maybe I'm just a happy girl.

In other news I picked out my bridesmaid dress for my cousin's wedding. It's a mermaid style dress, and I got these awesome silver shoes to go with it. I about died, but she insists on paying for all the bridesmaid dresses. I have no idea what Alex does for a living, but with them paying for everything I sincerly hope it pays well. I mean they flew to Ireland to get engaged so who knows... All I know is she's happy and I'm excited for her. :) I asked Neil if there's anyway he can be my wedding date since Josh obviously can't be there. He said he would see, and he will only go if Josh is ok with it. Honestly, I just want Neil there, because he's such a good friend and I know I will have a good time with him. If he can't my friend Keith offered to fly in from CA to go with me. What sweet friends I have!

So, I have this weekend off. I lied and said it's drill weekend (I don't actually start drilling again until next month), because it was supposed to be Cheryl's baby shower. But that got canceled, so now I'm going to drive up to Muncie to see Ashley. I love that girl, and I hate that I never see her. Makes me feel like a bad friend, but seriously, the girl lives 4 hours away now. Anyway, I'm driving up Saturday, and heading back down Sunday so I can be back at work on Monday. LOL Well, enough for now.
 
 
smms05
12 March 2010 @ 01:08 am
come start a new life

So I found out tonight that Josh told his family he plans on asking me to marry him! OMG :D
 
 
 
smms05
08 March 2010 @ 10:31 am


I have been waiting for the day when you'll see I'm right by your side

So a few weeks ago, I made two build-a-bears. One for Josh, and since I liked his so much one for me. They're both exactly the same. Dressed like "soldiers". They have Army berets, but Marine digitals, which makes them even more fitting for Josh. LOL I sent one to Josh with a note. I wasn't sure if he'd like it or not. Turns out he didn't he loved it. :D I got a text message that said, "I LOVE YOU!!!! I cried when I read the note, and no I don't care how gay that makes me sound!" LOL He even called me that night to thank me for it, and told me it's the most thoughtful gift anyone's ever given him. AWWW!!!! I love him.

In other news his leave has been delayed, and we have no idea when it will happen. Maybe May. He's also on his 3rd set of orders for when he PCSes. *sigh* Just have to make it to 2011 when he ETSes. LOL Of course now he's decided he wants to be a state cop when he gets out of the Army. I was like, "Go back to the Marines. It would make me feel safer." He asked why, and I told him because in the military you at least in theory always have a buddy watching your back, cops don't always have that. He said he wouldn't do it if it was going to make me worry too much. And of course I would never stop him from doing anything he wants, so I told him to go for it. I guess we'll see what happens.

In other news tonight, I'm going to go to David's Bridal. Time to go look at dresses with my cousin. I asked her when she's planning on getting married. She said 30MAY! I asked 2010 or 2011. Yeah... 2010! So it's March and she wants to have everything ready by the end of May. Ok... Depending on how flaky she is or isn't about the date Josh said he would try to plan his leave to go to the wedding with me. We'll see I guess.

 

hottest medic in the Army ;)

 
 
smms05
23 February 2010 @ 08:42 pm
baby mine don't you cry

I have to say that I am no convinced that I have the sweetest bf possible, He didn't do anything for me, but he did make me so amazingly proud of him. I know I've said before that his mom died of cancer when he was 17. Well, his roommate's dad has cancer. His roommate was upset and crying. So my sweet Joshua stayed up past midnight their time to try to comfort him as best as he could. He kept saying he didn't know what he could do other than listen. I told him that sometimes that's what means the most, to know that someone cares. He told me, "I'm done smoking. I don't want to do this to anyone." It broke my heart to see how much it bothered him that there wasn't anything he could do to make his roommate stop hurting. Josh said he's going to call the chaplain and ask him to talk to the roommate (which should be easy since the roommate is the chaplain's assistant). Josh also wants to make his roommate dinner. After doing all this for his roommate Josh actually asked me if I was mad at him or if I felt like he was ignoring me. I told him not to be silly and to take care of himself and his roommate that I can wait. He told me, "You are never second to anyone baby, you never will be..." Then the crazy boy called me. He said it was just so he could hear my voice and tell me that he loves me, and he made me promise to message him and let him know when I made it home. What an amazing man I love.

Oh yeah today I went to Indy long enough to go pick up the inserts for my shoes. Niiiiice. I drove two hours there and two hours back litterally just to pick up my inserts and be told to come back in a month. *sigh* Oh well. My mom went with me,  so I at least got to spend some time with her. :)

In other news I almost feel like I have a life again. My cousin called me last night and asked me to be one of her bridesmaids, and Cheryl sent me a text about a baby shower they're throwing her at our apartment complex. So it seems that I might actually be some what busy. Why is that every time I date Josh I end up a bridesmaid in a wedding? My cousin told me her colors are silver and "mermaid". Anyone else getting a 27 dresses feeling here? LOL 
 
 
smms05
21 February 2010 @ 09:59 pm
I've been thinkin real hard yea thinkin bout you

Let me just say that I am head over heels crazy about Joshua. Sometimes I think that man knows me better than I know myself. About a month and a half left until I have my arms around him again and I can't wait. He gives me butterflies and I cannot remember ever being more in love or more loved in my life. It's interesting to have that feeling like you've found what you've been missing. To find someone that you're so comfortable with that you can't even remember not having them in your life.

I'm putting together a package to give to Josh when he comes here in April. Tonight I ordered two bears from build a bear. Cheesy I'm sure, but there is a meaning behind them. There's a meaning behind everything in the package and I cannot wait to give it to him. :) I just hope he likes it. LOL 

In other news, he and I have been discussing a trip for me to come to Germany. We had talked about a similiar trip the first time we were together. Only now we're thinking about Italy too. OMG. Josh, Germany, and Italy! What could be better?! :D

Sorry for the short update, but so much is going on with Josh and as much as I want to update about it, I just want want to keep it to myself for now and enjoy it. (Although Danielle knows part of it. lol)
 
 
smms05
10 February 2010 @ 08:54 pm

forever love

What a day today was... It was truck day *AND* we had inventory. I was a bit cranky this morning, because well it was early, it was cold, the roads are still bad in places, I barely made it out of my drive, and on top of all that I was in the cold stockroom helping unload the truck. At one point I managed to trip and fall into some boxes of candy. (I swear I need to be bubble wrapped.) I told Kate, "Look at me... And I promised my bf I would try not to hurt myself on truck days." She told me to go into Army mode. I was like, "Trust me you do not want that. If I do that no one's going to like me." Well sure enough inventory pissed me off and I ended up cussing and ready to throw things. I'm sorry but when you know over a month in advance that there's an inventory coming up and not to snake things on the shelves then don't f**kin' do it! I had to correct an entire section of shelves, because cosmetics had a ton of sunscreen snaked across a three foot shelf. Yeah.

I left work, and my mom called me three times on my way home to tell me to drive safely. No kidding...  (No Mom, I think I'll drive dangerously to see what happens.) Trust me I know the roads were bad this morning, and I was pretty sure they would be close to the same this afternoon. I get home and find that my mom slid pulling in the drive and got stuck. Well my dad got stuck trying to get here out. So I turned around and went to wait in my grandma's drive (next door) until our neighbor came to help them out.

On the bright side I got to talk to my Joshua and that got me out of my funk. Amazing how he can do that. lol I told him I cannot wait for April. I can't wait to get away from everything and just spend time with my sweet bf. I want to fall asleep with him and wake up next to him. I want to spend our days laughing and kissing and having fun being with each other. He told me he wants me to renew my passport so I can make a trip to Germany to see him at some point. I would LOVE to see Europe with him.

My relationship with Josh makes me so happy.


the best smile in the whole world
<3


 
 
smms05
09 February 2010 @ 07:41 pm

some days ya gotta dance

Let me just say I HATE snow! We got over a foot last night, and the roads were too bad for me to make it into work today. *BLAH* On the other hand I got to talk to my Joshua a lot today, and I was here when the UPS guy showed up. For those of you who missed it, I learned that spilling a full glass of Crystal Light on a BlackBerry phone is a bad idea. I filed the insurance claim yesterday. I knew the weather was supposed to get bad so I wasn't sure if I would get it today or not, so I had my enV reactivated so I would at least have a phone. Last night when I called to do that, the customer service guy was super nice. He pulled my contract info, and told me he could reduce my monthly bill by like $20 by dropping my number of minutes.... Hmmmm... Nice, but some months I use a lot of minutes and some I barely use any. Then he told me he could drop my bill down $10 a month and up my minutes to unlimited. Sweet! So I now have unlimited minutes and texting for less money than I was already paying. Thank you Verizon Guy. LOL So anyway.... Yeah. I got my new phone today, and I got the last season of JAG and the third season of Army Wives. (Yea for Amazong preordering! lol)

I didn't totally waste my snow day at least. I went through a bunch of stuff. I now have a bag of garbage, a box of crap to be recycled, 4 bags of books and magazines to take to Half Price Books the next time I'm in Indy, and 4 bags of clothes for Goodwill. Yeah... The crazy thing is I still feel like there's stuff I need to get rid of, which means there probably is a bunch of stuff still to get rid of... I told Josh and he was like, "Face it baby, your a packrat." GRRR... Funny...

Josh wants to take leave in April and come see me. He's planning on flying into Indy on my drill weekend. Since I drill at Atterbury now that actually works out really well, and will give him a chance to meet Cheryl. :-D Anyway, once drill weekend is over he wants to go down to TN and spend a few days down there, just the two of us. I have to say that sounds amazing. Lot's of time with him, and no distractions. I haven't taken more than a day or two off since oh the last time he came to see me on leave (aka SEP2008!!!!). I think that earns me the right to spend 4 or 5 days with my bf. :-)

Joshua's cousin Melissa added me as a friend on Facebook. As soon as Josh found out he was like, "I'm so sorry baby. If she starts to annoy you, feel free to remove her." It seems that the two of them don't exactly get along the greatest. When he was home in DEC (while I was with David- Michael) he told me about his cousin who's husband died. Yeah... That would be Melissa. Needless to say she's a little... odd, but at least she seems harmless so far. LOL Everyone in the world was adding me on Facebook it seemed like. My cousin Jenny's daughter Ashley did, and so did my cousin Chuck.... When did Facebook turn into a family reunion?! LOL

Time for pics....

He cleans up nice huh?